


Finding Refuge is Not Enough

by kajakauf013



Series: Marvel AU Collection [4]
Category: Marvel
Genre: Broken Tail, Car Accident, Gen, Headaches, Homelessness, Injury, Malnutrition, Mention of Animal Injuries, Nosebleeds, Pain, Psychotherapy, alluded kidnapping, anti-social behavior, broken foot, character death (not permanent), guest appearances from Wolverines Ice Man Professor Xavier Jean Grey Colossus Nightcrawler and Beast, mental health
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-09
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-15 02:44:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,785
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12312273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kajakauf013/pseuds/kajakauf013
Summary: 20060925Kajak adopts a new routine, learns more about her powers, and gets some much-needed therapy.





	1. Too Young to Die My Dear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yay, the start of another story! This takes place directly after the events in “Die Hand Deiner Angst, Füttert Mein Blut” and mainly focuses on Kajak’s new routine and how she adjusts to living in close proximity to other people again.

Dying is kinda fun.

Wait, stop, come back and hear me out. It makes more sense when you give me a chance to explain.

Dying can be fun, at least it can be when you wake back up every time it happens. It’s a weird thing to try and explain but I’ll give it my best. The first time is horrible, you have no idea what’s going to happen and then the panic sets in, which only makes the whole thing more traumatic. You see the white light, everything goes fuzzy before it goes black. Waking up after that really changed my outlook on, well, everything.

Every time after that, I dunno, you get used to the pattern I guess. I’m pretty sure everyone experiences it differently, and they don’t exactly always get the chance to tell anyone else about it.

For me it always starts with pain. The only way for me to “die” is for someone to stop my heart. The first time it was a large piece of shrapnel from a car that stopped it, but you can use practically anything if you get creative enough. The pain isn’t necessarily caused by whatever it is that’s impaling me, it’s usually the sudden stop of my heart pumping the blood through my body that hurts. (It’s pretty cool to watch actually, I got to see it thanks to some experiments proposed by Professor X when we were trying to figure out my powers, but more on that later) 

All that blood stopping makes everything else freeze up, important things, like breathing and brain function. After that my hearing goes as well, it’s sort of like the trapped feeling you get when you put your ear up to a sea shell to hear your own heartbeat but not as fun. 

Last is my eyesight, it goes blurry and then blank. It’s the being not alive part that is enjoyable. Everything is so quiet, peaceful. Like you’re finally asleep after hours of tossing and turning. Unfortunately this part is always the shortest. No matter how long I’m gone (yes, I’ve timed it) it always feels the same, like time stops once I’m in that place. 

If dying is a nice experience, then waking back up sure the hell isn’t. Once my heart starts beating and blood starts pumping everything gets way to bright, noise comes back ten times louder than it really is, and my muscles feel mutinous. So, you could say that I can be a bit snappy once I wake back up.

And that is where you find me today.

Part of my routine at the Institute is to be a sort of visual demonstration of the possible different types of mutations that can occur. It’s part of the more advanced classes at the Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, basically as a sort of introduction for the students to understand how far our genes can mutate and the many different forms that can take. I would be in what is called the ‘healer class’ and a fun way to show that off is to kill me, in front of a bunch of teenagers.

Yes, it’s a great time, especially since we don’t warn the kids of what’s about to happen. 

Their faces are priceless.

Another healer, a gentleman named Logan, used to be the subject for this particular demonstration. Once he found out that I could do it to he let me have the job. Isn’t that great?

Actually it is pretty fun, not only does it teach the students something, but also I get compensated for my time (and suffering) for participating. It gives me something to do when I’m not catching up on my own schooling and usually only happens during the first few weeks of the semester.

But this day was not as fun as most, the usual teacher was absent (on call for a mission) and the sub was someone who I do not exactly get along with. His name is Bobby Drake (code name Iceman) and he is normally ok, like when training or hanging out. But put him in charge of a classroom, things change, and he becomes somewhat insufferable. 

I have one rule that needs to not be broken when it comes to killing me for these classes: Do not leave me dead for more than ten minutes. Any longer then that and my muscles scream in pain from oxygen deprivation. So in other words, no monologuing when teaching.

Guess what rule Bobby couldn’t follow.

So when I woke up, in more pain than I was supposed to be, I did the only thing I felt appropriate. I used my shield to make him trip and fall. Childish, yes, but satisfying. I gave the class a warning on overly dramatic monologuing while Bobby straightened things up on his desk (he hit it when he fell, bonus points) and took back control of his class.


	2. I’m Writing This Letter and Wishing You Well

My first few months at the Xavier Institute had been quite an adjustment, but it was definitely the good kind. 

Winters here in New York lasted longer then in Germany, but they weren’t as cold either, which is nice. Of course being in a place with working heat always helps during that time of year. I had missed certain things living hand-to-mouth, warmth was a really big one. Showers were another, gods how I’d missed those. I take no shame in admitting that my first shower here was worth every death demonstration to date, every single one.

That isn’t even getting to the regular meals that I now enjoy, having clean clothes to wear, or my own room (it’s small, but it’s my own). On top of that I’ve also gotten the chance to catch up on my own education. (Which I’m really excited about, don’t tell anyone though, they don’t need to know that excitement is an emotion that I’m capable of) 

Having to drop out after my freshman year in high school had not been fun and I think I managed to pack almost three years of education in just ten months going here. Since I’m not exactly part of the regular student body I was able to test out of what I knew and complete what I still needed to get my GED, which I did, surprising everyone (myself included). I have since started working on a college degree, though I’m still not sure what I want to major in. 

The other thing that I’ve been working on, which is what you probably want to hear more about rather than my babbling, is learning about my own powers.

When I first arrived Professor Xavier described my own experimentation with my powers as ‘scratching the surface’ and I’m beginning to understand what he meant. From when I first discovered my abilities to when I fixed Jury, I had only used my powers to heal others occasionally. A cut or scrape here and there on other homeless kids who I knew couldn’t afford/survive an infection. Once a dogs broken foot, a cat’s run over tail, nothing one would consider large scale. 

Most of my self-repair came when I was running away from people, scrapes and bruises that vanished almost as soon as they happened. I was shot twice, which is why I figured I could heal Jury’s wound. My powers were what stopped me from starving or freezing to death a few times I think.

But here, with practice (and food), I was capable of quite a bit more. 

The Professor had me work in the nurses’ office at the school, fixing scrapes and cuts that kids always seem to get. After a few weeks there he suggested moving ‘up’ to healing members of the X-men when they would come back from missions or when they would get injured during training sessions. 

I was able to adjust quickly, no more headaches or nose bleeds. A sense of purpose with what I was doing started to make it’s way into my mind.


	3. Our Best Revolt is Self-preservation

My shield was a bit different of a story.

Professor Xavier had never before seen anyone produce a shield as I had, and he wondered how it worked. I don’t really have any idea exactly how it works either, so I was just as curious. 

He set up an experiment with another psychic, a red hared woman named Jean Grey. Jean would read my mind as I projected my force field out like I normally did. This, he hoped, would give us a base line for how my mind worked with the shield.

That is not what happened.

I had an array of electrodes attached to my head and torso to monitor brain waves, heart rate, etc. Jean had placed her hands on either side of my head, out a few inches to give me room to put up my shield. I could feel her presence in the back of my mind before I pushed out on my shield. What normally happens is I feel my shield push away from my body, it kind of feels like a blanket of energy moving away from me. That energy becomes visible, usually it’s a pale blue light in the shape of a dome with clean edges. 

What I felt with Jean in my head was not nice. 

I pushed my shield out, but instead of the energy moving smoothly away it felt like I couldn’t move. Like I was fighting against an invisible straightjacket, suffocating. When I managed to push it away it took it’s usual shape, but it was off. It was white instead of blue, the edges were jagged and breaking in places.

Then, quite suddenly, my shield snapped back towards me. Kind of like when you snap a thick rubber band against your wrist, except it was bigger, and it hit me in the face. 

I blacked out for a second and woke up on my ass. 

Some of the electrodes had ripped off and I could hear my heart monitor going wild. 

We decided that it would probably not be a good idea to try again.

Jean said she wasn’t able to ‘read’ what I did when I tried to use my shield, but she did feel it when it snapped back. She described it as a jab at her third eye, but it didn’t hurt her to badly, just a minor headache that lasted about an hour. The monitors were able to capture heightened levels of activity in my brain, but those weren’t necessarily helpful.

So instead I was left to practice as I had done with my healing. 

I asked some of the other older students for suggestions, they were a bit too enthusiastic in their willingness to help. Others thought it was a good form of entertainment. 

One by the name of Piotr “Peter” (code name Colossus) helped slowly build up my shields’ strength by repeatedly tackling it in his full metal form. Jury even offered to try to burn through my shield, which she never managed to do, but I did find out that it naturally repelled flames. (Which can only be helpful, right?) I also found out with the (unexpected) help of Kurt that I am able to hold teleporters if I concentrate hard enough, which was interesting.

The most helpful (in the long run) advice came from Logan (code name Wolverine). And it wasn’t even actual advice, I overheard him talking to Peter about his throwing technique. I was curious so, being the pain in the ass that I am, I asked what he meant. Apparently, while Logan is an amazing fighter he sometimes has a hard time getting to where the fight is. One solution had been for Peter to throw him at a given target. And sometimes it wasn’t exactly practical.

That made me wonder, how would I be moving around in battlefield? As a shield/healer I need to be up where the action is, right? Kurt can teleport, Jury can fly using the heat from her flames, even Bobby can use his ice as a sort of surfboard to move around quickly. Maybe I could use my shield in a similar fashion?

This lead to some rather strange practice sessions. 

I first mastered using my shield as a sort of hover board, envisioning it occupying a certain space while I stand on it. Using my mind I was able to move the shield around to where it looked as if I were floating on nothing. Which was fun, until my concentration slipped and I fell, but it was a start.

The hover board then turned into a bubble, which I found to be more suitable when trying to go anywhere fast. My main problem then was that I could only lift myself and only for a certain amount of time until I was mentally exhausted. 

As with most things practice helped and with some volunteers I was able to lift way more then my own weight.

It started out with just myself, Jury, and Kurt standing on my shield, hovering a few inches off the ground. Then we added Peter, Bobby, Jean, and so on until I was able to keep at least thirty people in the air with hardly any strain on my mental muscle. 

A vast improvement if I’m being honest.


	4. Give Me Peace

Practice and school took up most of my time at the Institute, but keeping busy is normally a good thing when you’re someplace new. I wasn’t exactly used to human contact when I arrived, and I didn’t find it easy to get along well with others in the beginning. 

Knowing how well (horribly) my first real experience with a psychic entering my mind went, Professor Xavier was hesitant to suggest any kind of psychotherapy to me. 

He saw how reclusive I was, how I would only really talk to Kurt and Jury, which was rather sparse anyway. He sensed, I think, how I was avoiding contact with others by throwing myself into my studies. 

It wasn’t until my third month that he suggested that I might want to talk to someone, someone who might be able to help me open up to others. 

Someone who I could share my experiences over the last few years, in confidence. His concern for my psychological health irritated me until he asked about when I found out about my powers. 

Having death, as a trigger for mutation, was rare, he said. And it most likely was the cause of my anti-social behavior. His concern became something different after that, I was not used to people caring about me anymore. I didn’t want to push people away, but I didn’t know how to not do that anymore.

He recommended a friend of his, another mutant by the name of Hank McCoy (code name Beast). The man is a genius, with multiple degrees in various subjects including Psychology. 

I started weekly therapy sessions with him that continues to this day, and I have worked through a multitude of personal issues. With this confidential outlet I am definitely coming out of my shell.

Also, did I mention that Hank is blue? Because it’s awesome.


	5. Who and What’s to Blame?

I’ve slowly started going on missions with the other X-men, though I mainly tend to go on recruitment or retrieval trips. 

It seems like new mutants are popping up in every direction and we’re trying to give all of them an option to be with others of their kind. Most of the time we have to sell the school as a prestigious kind of boarding school that is also affordable to unaware or desperate parents, which isn’t as hard as it sounds.

Lately though we’ve had some trouble getting to them. Some wind up missing or appear to have run away leaving their parents clueless as to what happened. 

With what happened when Kurt and Jury were sent to retrieve me, we worried that whoever Sabertooth was working for was getting to them. Or, even more concerning, we wonder if it is someone else entirely.

I’ve gone on enough recruitment trips now that the Professor is thinking of sending me out on my own in the near future, which is exciting. With my nonstop practice I can protect a large group if I need to, as well as get away from any conflict quickly. I hope that I don’t need to though. 

I’ve also heard rumor that a few of us are going undercover in the upcoming years at large companies that we suspect might be behind the disappearances. 

All of that requires utmost secrecy for any involved, so no one knows who might wind up going or who is even up for consideration.

We shall see.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, this is the transition that will be leading up to two of my other stories. 
> 
> The first will be about Kajak’s first experience with recruiting another mutant to the Xavier Institute, which I am still in the process of writing the main conflict of. 
> 
> The second will be about Kajak, with assistance from some other select mutants, infiltrating Stark Industries. That one will definitely have guest appearances from Tony Stark and Pepper Potts, as well as some other Marvel characters because some very interesting and odd things happen. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoy it, and thanks for reading!

**Author's Note:**

> I want to thank my beta reader violentophelia for helping me with this work. Love you, dear.


End file.
